Sailor Mouths
by ILoveAnimeVeryMuch123
Summary: In which an alien has a sailor mouth to trump any sailor, a pirate probably got a samurai laid, and a hero gets some tongue action.


Warning: ME. Enough said. Also, to be safe, this story contains Tony. XD I actually looked up a bunch of foreign (mostly british english) curse words in order to write this XD as well as pirate slang and pick-up lines XD AND all the smuttiest kisses ever to hit yaoi without going into the M rating that I could find. XD I shall prevail! Oh, and btw, guess who'll (probably) make a cameo as a kidnapped princess? XD Oh, and Gilbert is to appear as god, too. Just sayin...

* * *

It was a particularly pleasant summer day; the sky was clear, the sun was shining, the ocean was glistening, and the cobblestone streets were a beautiful pearly white. Captain Kirkland of the infamous "Ember Willow" had the ship docked at the harbor. They had yet another long journey ahead; they had to resupply, make any needed repairs, and resting up for a few days wouldn't hurt, either. Arthur sat there on the beach, taking in the relaxing scene. His golden blond hair fluttered in the gentle wind, and he stared out at the ocean with his stunning emerald eyes. Though as a sailor - a pirate, specifically - he spent a great deal of time in the sun, he didn't tan easily; many a fine man and woman found themselves admiring his smooth, only lightly tanned skin. He sighed and closed his eyes, his eyelashes making a soft little sound as they met. Arthur lay down on the soft, warm sand, and rested his head on his arms, which were folded just under his neck. His clean, white shirt slid up as he did so to reveal his abdomen; just as toned as the rest of his body. He lifted one knee up, finding the position quite relaxing. Arthur sighed again, _quite_ content. He knew full well how careful he needed to be, lest he fall asleep right there. He had been through a number of situations of the sort; most of them resulted in missing an important event, getting depressed, being raped, and sometimes a combination of the three. He was a heavy sleeper; a fact he'd gladly damn to Davy Jones' locker in a heartbeat.

Arthur jumped at the feeling of someone tapping his shoulder, and his arms immediately reached for his rapier. "Who's there?" he asked.

The man behind him bowed apologetically. "Forgive me, sir." he said, looking at the captain with soft brown eyes through his jet black hair, his fair skin twisted into an apologetic frown. Arthur put away his rapier.

"No, i's my fault. I shoulda heard ye coming." he responded, furrowing his thick eyebrows. Arthur stared long and hard at the man before shaking his head disapprovingly. "Kiku. It's like this out, and yer still in that metal uniform? Have you been into the grog, mate?"

Kiku frowned again. "If you were to be attacked-"

"-then I'd fight the bastard 'till the death. But yer too stiff with that! If ye keep to that armor, the heat'll be the death of ye. Relax a bit, mate!" Arthur said, patting the man on the shoulder.

Kiku sighed. "Very well." he said. "Captain, there is a matter that needs discussing." he said, his face unreadable.

Arthur looked at him intently. "Go on, then. Spit it out."

Kiku bowed again. "The wood on the bottom of the ship is rotting; it needs to be replaced, or we risk a sinking ship."

The young blonde groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Aye. So we'll be here a week longer, then?" he asked. Kiku nodded in confirmation. Groaning internally, he nodded. "Got it. Go on, dismissed... And change into somethin' more suitable, will ye?" Arthur said, grinning at the end. Kiku smiled before walking off. Arthur spent another few minutes gazing out at the sea before he walked back as well. He had an important announcement to make, after all.

"Alright, mateys! Listen up!" Arthur yelled, drawing his sword to gain his crew's attention. The room fell silent, and the young captain sheathed his sword once again. "I'm sure ye all heard about the ship?" he asked. "Well, I've decided. We're gonna make the best of our time here. Tonight, I'm inviting all of ye lubbers out for grog!" he exclaimed, raising a fist in the air, and earning a collective jumble of cheers. "Savi?"

"Aye aye!"

Later that night, as promised, Captain Kirkland and his crew were at the tavern, drinking to their hearts' content. Only Kiku and the young cabin boy refused any alchohal, and for the same reason; _someone_ had to apologize for the group's poor conduct. By the time everyone gotten through their first pint, Arthur was already wasted. Kiku looked at him, concerned.

"Sir, are you alright?"

Arthur flew up from his slump. "'Course I'm alright! Go on, Kiku! Enjoy yourself! That tall guy with the brown hair looks like he'd wanna have a good wank with you!" he said, patting the black-haired man on the shoulder roughly before cheerily pushing him into the crowd.

"You look pretty out there. Are you okay?"

Arthur turned to see a tall, handsome man with sandy blond hair, and Arthur could swear on Davy Jones' locker that he could see the ocean in the man's eyes. His skin was fair, and Arthur was almost jealous of the tall man's masculinity. The man wore a clean, white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbow, and the legs of his dark pants were tucked into his brown boots. What Arthur couldn't make sense of, however, was the thing on his face. They were clear, probably glass, but...

"I'm fine, matey! Just a few pints! But what's that there on yer face?" Arthur asked drunkenly, pointing to the offending object. "Who are ye, anyway?"

The man blinked, momentarily confused, before pulling them off. "They're glasses. They help me see." he explained. "My name is Alfred."

Arthur looked him over, before he slumped back down on the table to watch the layer of foam in his mug. "That's no name fer a pirate. "Alfred"..." he muttered, his slur slowly making itself known. "As fer those glass things, ye look better without 'em. Those make it like watchin' the ocean through a grimy cabin window." he added, lazily looking up at Alfred out of the corner of his eye.

Alfred raised his eyebrows a bit for a moment, before he sat down on the seat next to the drunken man. "So you're a pirate, are you?" he asked.

Arthur shot up. "Damn right, I am! I'm the bloody cap'n! Show some respect or yer spendin' the night with the bilge rats!" he yelled, flailing his left arm in the air while his right held the mug.

Alfred frowned. "Sorry!" he exclaimed. Once Arthur calmed down, he smiled. "You're a real beauty of a pirate, sir." he said, closing his eyes.

Arthur stared at him. "Ye sure yer not the drunk one? I'm no woman." he slurred.

Alfred turned to him, smiling wider to reveal shining white teeth, and looked at the captain with his dazzling ocean eyes. "That doesn't mean a thing, though."

Arthur glared. "'Course it does! It means I ain't a woman! What are ye, an ijut?" Alfred blinked, processing, before bursting into laughter. ("Ijut" was meant to be "idiot", apparently.)

"W-What are YOU laughin' about, lubber?" Arthur sputtered, blushing a bit.

Alfred stopped and rested his head on his palm, gazing at Arthur. "I meant just because you're a guy, that doesn't mean you aren't a beauty."

Arthur blushed, before drawing his sword and holding it to the left of a now standing Alfred's neck. Nobody made Captain Kirkland feel so strangely and got away with it. "Ye got quite a mouth there, laddy. Be a shame if ye couldn't use it." he said. Even all the alchohol couldn't weaken him; he had spent all his life perfecting his battle skills, particularly his stance, and 90% of that had been out at sea. He knew the feeling of the room rocking, and the swaying that often accompanied it.

"Any last words?" he asked, too unfamiliar with the alien feeling this man brought to deem it safe.

Alfed smirked. "You're sexy." he said cheerily before leaning in to kiss his potential executor. Arthur, not caring much about the whole gender thing, and being too turned-on to care even if he wasn't wasted, dropped the sword and grabbed Alfred, pulling him in. Alfred wrapped his well-toned arms around the blond pirate and positioned his head so he was practically above Arthur, greedily arresting the young man's mouth. Tongues fought for dominance, and the two only parted to breathe, continuing shortly after. Each intoxicated by the other, and one simply intoxicated in general, the two were completely oblivious to the cheers the crew was giving. During one brief pause, Arthur decided to ask;

"Wanna shiver me timbers?"

The next day, Arthur woke up on his bunk at the inn with one hell of a hangover and his clothes in total disarray. His golden blond hair was a mess, and his emerald eyes were bloodshot, making for a rather frightening image. He groaned and winced, and began sitting up before a hand - albeit strangely deformed and oddly colored, but a hand nonetheless - pushed him back down. He ignored his migraine long enough to look at the owner of the hand, and quickly found himself too taken aback to glare as he had intended. Standing above him, glowering down at him, was a strange, deformed man, with gray skin and huge blood-red eyes.

"What ye want?" Arthur asked. Just because he was stunned didn't mean he couldn't be pissed.

The strange man - creature - glared at him "GO TO FUCKING HELL." it said. Arthur stared, not knowing how to react for a moment. Then...

"What t' hell be you doin' in me room? Get out, damn it! What be you, anyway?" he screamed, swinging at the gray thing.

Said gray thing grabbed him by the collar. "I don't have to listen to you, fucking limey. Alfred is mine, so FUCK OFF."

Arthur stared for a moment, processing. "Alfred? ...You mean that handsome man from t' bar last night?"

"FUCK YEAH, fucking nob jocky. Keep your distance, cuntfaced fairy, or I'll break every bone in your fucking BODY."

"Get the hell out of my room, turtle scuttler!"

"Butt pirate!"

"Cockeye!"

"Flamer!"

"Faggot!"

"Whore!"

"GET OUT O' ME ROOM, FUCKWIT!"

"TONY!" a voice screamed from the hallway. The door flung open, and the creature retreated. "Damn it, Tony! Do you have to do that every time?" Alfred yelled. "Tony" cringed, and Arthur was dumbfounded.

"You're sayin' you KNOW this... this CREATURE?" he exclaimed, earning a glare from said "creature".

Alfred sighed. "Yeah, I know him. Do pardon me." he said, bowing.

"YOUR HIGHNESS, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" Kiku yelled, running in, weapon in hand. He looked around for a moment, taking in the scene, and finding himself unsure what to think. Alfred turned to Arthur.

""_Your Highness?_""  
Arthur, too worn down by the migraine to deal with this any longer, drew his sword and pointed it at the group. "Everyone get out, and do it smartly." he growled dangerously.

Tony narrowed his giant eyes. "Like hell! I'm not done with you..."

Arthur glared. "Get out unless you want live long enough to taste your own spleen." he threatened. Alfred, roughly grabbing Tony's arm, began heading out. At the door, he looked back at Arthur.

"Mind if I come aboard again, Captain?" he asked playfully. "You still haven't showed me why they call you "Long John", after all..."

"OUT WITH YE."

* * *

No, Gilbert didn't make a cameo as god :( ... Once I started, I couldnt find a place to fit him in. And since the "princess" I mentioned didn't either, I'll just go and tell you who it would've been; Francis. XD (_What?_ Italy DID say he looked like a woman! And besides, he's my victim! I can't just be _nice_ to my victim! XD)  
But still ;^; I don't like it. It turned out way better in my mind ;^;


End file.
